The Austrian Ski Patrol Is Always There When You Need 'Em.

I was reminded recently of a story about running from the cops. Well, sort of cops. I was living in Germany in the winter of '98/'99, and it was the best snowboarding season, ever. Bavaria was getting record amounts of snow. It seemed like every day, there was a foot of fresh powder on the ground. It would snow like crazy all night, and in the morning, clear skies. It did that every day for weeks. Like I said, best snowboarding season ever.

I was working as Night Hausmeister at the Von Steuben Hotel in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, in the Bavarian Alps. Heh. As an interesting aside, General Von Steuben was a Prussian military officer who was either exiled or escaped from Germany after being found out to be a pedophile. He went to America and offered his services to the American military in the American Revolutionary War. I don't know if his vices were continued in our great, forgiving nation, (See Deliver Us From Evil... my God. I mean it. See it. Everyone needs to.) but he did become a war hero. Anyway, after World War II, when the US Army wanted to have a place for soldiers to go on R&R in Bavaria, they took the old Nazi Youth Headquarters in Garmisch-Partenkirchen and re-named it the Von Steuben Hotel. The Prussian pedophile was allowed to return home to Germany honorably, thanks to US! That always gave me the giggles. Uh... I mean, MANLY giggles, that is. Anyway, that's where I worked as Night Hausmeister, which is a fancy German word (House Master) for Night watchman/housekeeper. It's a nice word, I like it.

Anyway, my friend Dirk (Whose picture that is at the top) was the Night Auditor. Our hours were from 11pm until 7am. After I finished my work, I'd crash on the couch in the main lobby in front of the fireplace from like 2am until 5 or 6. We'd eat breakfast, run back to our rooms and get geared up, hop into his VW van (which he called his toybox because he was an avid outdoor sportsman and had four seasons worth of sporting goods he kept in there, including a unicycle and some juggling pins... don't ask, he was insane) and head to any one of about ten different Alps in the area for a full day of snowboarding on a foot of fresh powder. Get back home by around 5pm, sleep for a few hours, get up, go to work, repeat every day all winter. Again, best snowboarding season anybody's ever had in all of time!!! It was really great. Dirk was a really excellent boarder too, and my own boarding skills improved dramatically that winter, just trying to keep up with him.

But it was all possible because of the Happy Ski Pass... the season pass which Dirk and I each had that allowed us access to all the Bavarian Alps AND Austrian Alps in the area. Our favorite mountain was in an Austrian town named Lermoos, about 45 minutes down the road from Garmisch. They had some really awesome runs, and the best off-piste (off trail) boarding anywhere in the area... which turned out to be the problem. When the snow is really good, there is a particularly fun off-piste run that goes right down under one of the main chair-lifts, and due to the copious amounts of snow on this particular day, there were signs saying to stay out of that particular area due to avalanche danger. Of course, we either didn't see or chose to ignore the warning signs. It was a fantastic run. It was so fun and we were so cool for hitting it first that the Austrian Ski Patrol was waiting for us at the bottom.

They asked for our Happy Ski Passes. Dirk (who spoke fluent German)  started flipping out and said "No! No way! Mike, don't give 'em your pass!" And I was all like "No! No way! Dirk, don't give 'em your pass! What do we do?!" Have I told you yet that Dirk was a Genius? Well, he says "Dude! There's a Church at the bottom of this slope! (The slopes commonly would run all the way right down into town in the Alps) Get away! start boarding! They can't arrest you in a church, it's sanctuary!" So we run. I followed him down the slope, the Austrian Ski Patrol following us in a rather bewildered state... I don't think they'd been faced with this particular problem before. This picture is not of the Church at Lermoos that is being implicated in this story, but it's pretty, no? This particular church resides on the slopes of the Zugspitze, the tallest Alp in Germany.

Well, a not-so-much-longer-story short, we made it down because I don't think that the Austrian Ski Patrol was really trying too hard, because I think they weren't sure what to do if they actually caught us, ski-chases not likely being a part of their regular routine. We boarded right through the front doors of the small rococo Tyrolian church, which was mostly empty at the time, and unhitched our boards in the foyer. We ran to the back of the church, got out of our ski clothes, ran out the back door through the church cemetary and hopped the back wall surrounding it. We made our way separately back to the toybox, hiding from the ski patrol who apparently hadn't thought we'd try to escape from the rear and laughed our asses off all the way home. We avoided Lermoos for a few weeks after that, but of course we couldn't stay away forever. That run under the ski lift was too sweet.

Sanctuary. Sheesh. Thank God we were so dumb, or we might have actually had our Happy Ski Passes confiscated. Good times.

There was another time, a few years later, when I was snowboarding at another location in Austria, (The Steinplatte, I think) when the Austrian Ski Patrol saved my life. I was going off-piste again, when all of a sudden I found myself staring down a 300 foot sheer cliff. I screeched to a halt, and sat at the very edge, looking down at my death. I couldn't move to try and unhook my board, because if it slipped while trying to unhook my foot, I'd be going off-cliff. I couldn't turn around because I was too close to the edge. So I sat. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Austrian 911... I tried to explain where I was, but it was difficult because my German has never been stellar, and besides, I was in the woods off some ski trail. So I sat there, staring down at my 300 foot death with my ass in the snow, eventually going numb from cold, for about 2 hours until the Austrian Ski Patrol found me... So you know, they're nice to have around when you need them. Even though they helped me out, I don't feel bad for not letting them take my Happy Pass all those years ago. Besides, if you think about it, I really owe my life to cellphone technology. The Austrian Ski Patrol only gets partial credit. The greater portion, of course, but still.

This is me on the Zugspitze. I have no pictures of the Austrian Ski Patrol, I'm sad to say.

Comments

[Heather]

Any word ending in "Meister" is a good word.

[Heather]

Also, "Happy Ski Pass" sounds like it was named in Thailand.

[messiestobjects]

Ja, und du bist der Gastkommentarmeister.

[Julie]

Bewildered ski patrol. Church sanctuary. Dude, this post is making me giggle (girly giggles).

[Fernando Olmos]

Hey you there!
It's the first time i check a blog from your country, and yours is really cool and awesome. it's terrific!
my regards from chile
fernando

check mine at http://boggito.blogspot.com
Fernando

[messiestobjects]

Are you picking on my manly giggles?

Fernando, on the off chance you're not some sort of blog-bot, I went to your site. I don't speak Spanish, dude, but thanks.

[Julie]

I never pick on people's laughs. Only bubble poppers do that.

[Heather]

Jawohl, ich bin eine GastkommentarmeisterIN last time I checked. Aber ich bin nicht hier weil keiner von dies ist wirklich. Oder, alle von dies ist wirklich. Einer der zwei.

[messiestobjects]

Is that German abstract expressionism or something? "But I am not here as without from this is actual?" I know I shouldn't directly translate the words like that, but I don't know that phrase and can't think of how else to order that sentence. Maybe it's because the little German that I know is Bavarian German, which is very different from hochdeutsch.

[messiestobjects]

Julie, you are a HUGE bubble popper. Giggity giggity.

[Heather]

I ain't your translator! Moment = passed.

[Heather]

OK. I can translate JUST THIS ONE TIME! "But I'm not here because none of this is real. Or, all of this is real. One of the two." Man. At the time? Funny.

[Sissy]

Well, I guess if Fernando is for real and if this really was his first visit to U.S. website, I'd say that he didn't do to bad.

Ich liebe dich.

That's my contribution. My husband speaks German and I haven't the slightest notion as to what he's saying. In fact, I'm not sure it's really German. I think he's making it up.

[messiestobjects]

I think he might be angry if you go around telling random bloggers that Du liebst sich. That's my contribution to your German.

[messiestobjects]

I want to write a story about Fernando the blog-bot.

[Heather]

I am enjoying the fact that the blog-bot's name is Fernando in a way beyond explaining. I'm also enjoying the spitting sound that is "hochdeutsch". Hochtooey to you, Herr Blog-Bot!

[Gary]

Fick mich, du miserabler hurensohn
Du miserabler hurensohn
Fick mich, du miserabler hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!

[messiestobjects]

Either that's a poem about making very fast love to a magic pig, or someone is angry about a ghost setting fire to his couch.

Or, I didn't really take the time to figure it out more carefully, being quite satisfied with the idea that Gary has a thing for schweineficken.

Take that, Fernando the blog-bot!

[messiestobjects]

Oh I get it now... the magic pig is spitting fire and the guy is freaking out because he doesn't want to mess his couch up. Either this is a gay couple, or it's told from the perspective of a girl.

Gary, that's dirty. You need help.

[Gary]

Well it does have to do with a homosexual encounter bewtween a guy and a robot - a model XQJ-37 Nuclear Powered Pan-Sexual Roto-Plooker, to be exact.

[Julie]

If that poems scares or threatens you in any way, I suggest that you run to the nearest church with a back access and do a run through.

[Sissy]

Well, I've just been informed that I told you all that I love you in German. Can I take it back?

Hablo Espanol, un poco. Donde viva Fernando?

[Heather]

Can't take it back now, I'm afraid. The good news is that loving us is "okay". As long as you don't "touch" us. We've got enough problems with robots, thank you very much.

[Heather]

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all on Mother's Day. Because, well, you're my favorite bunch of mothers.

[Heather]

Also, that I might have seen a film at the adult store called "The Back Door Robot", but I cannot say for sure.

[messiestobjects]

A blog-bot model XQJ-37? That's hot. I'm not scared at all. I'm just not letting Gary anywhere near my Fernando-bot. He's predatory.

Sissy don't be coy. You meant it. Don't worry, nobody is going to call you cootie-couch and run away on this playground.

[Sissy]

Whew! I was having images of empty swings creaking back and forth on squeeky hinges and dried leaves blowing around beneath empty monkey bars.

[spank]

Either that's a poem about making very fast love to a magic pig, or someone is angry about a ghost setting fire to his couch.

ha ha double tee hee hahah well done gary

[Gary]

It wasn't me, I don't come up with anything original.

[spank]

shit...who said that?/ why is your blog so complicated for me?? geeeeze

[Miss Luongo]

Fernando's not a blog bot. He's a real person. Sure, he doesn't usually blog in your language, and for that, he's certainly less than human (just like everyone who's not a white American male) ... but, he's human nonetheless.

[Heather]

Jerry? Jerry Falwell?

[Heather]

We thought you was dead!

[messiestobjects]

See? Look at you. Bubble. Popper. You knew I wanted to write a story about Fernando the blog-bot. But, if's he a real boy, I can't now. Thanks.

[messiestobjects]

Waitaminnit... first he's less than human, then he's human nonetheless? Make up your mind, is he on the lifeboat or off it, Miss Falwell!?

[Miss Luongo]

I popped your Fernando-bot bubble? I didn't mean to. I just went over there and took a harder look ... and it turns out, he is a bot. Go on now, write that story.

[Sissy]

Wait, are you just saying that to make him feel better or is Fernando real? I think he's a bot. Just for kicks.

[messiestobjects]

He's a bot, dammit! Julie enjoys giving cigarettes to babies. Ignore her.

[Gary]

Fernando is more real to me than any of you roto-plookers.

[Sissy]

Long live Fernando!!!!!

[jess]

michael...how many countries have you been to?? and dont count africe because after much debate....ive decided that the continant is just one country to me. and nothing you can say will ever change it.

[messiestobjects]

Well, not counting africe, I've been to 35 countries so far. I know this because I've kept a list... I'm that silly.

[spank]

africe is the fancy way of saying africa. ha ha.. list the countries.

who had the nicest people? who were the meanest? (or meanest experiences) who had the hotties..

[messiestobjects]

1) USA
2) Canada
3) England
4) Scotland
5) Holland
6) Germany
7) Austria
8) Italy
9) Czech Republic
10) Switzerland
11) Lichtenstein
12) Croatia
13) Slovenija
14) Denmark
15) Sweden
16) Poland
17) France
18) Russia
19) Kuwait
20) Iraq
21) United Arab Emirates
22) Jordan
23) Israel
24) Palestine
25) Morocco
26) South Africa
27) Lesotho
28) Swaziland
29) Romania
30) Turkey
31) Vatican City
32) Hungary
33) Egypt
34) Thailand
35) Cambodia

[messiestobjects]

BTW Spank, those are hard questions to answer... they all had their fair share of each I suppose, but it would take ages to try and quantify such things.

[Miss Luongo]

But those are the names the conquerors have given them! What are those places called in their native tongues?

[messiestobjects]

That is soooo old news, dude.

[Miss Luongo]

((sigh))

[spank]

did ya get to see the pyramids? i think that would be something.

[messiestobjects]

Absolutely. I even blogged about it here