Act III Scene 10.... and Cut!!!

I have no idea where to begin on this one. Today has been the craziest day. I got arrested! It was totally sweet. I was awoken by my cellphone at around 7:45am, by Scott calling to tell me to look out the window because the camp was crawling with about 20 soldiers doing their whole police raid schtick. I ran outside, only to discover that we were being harassed in a major way. The guy in charge, a Lieutenant Colonel Davis, was the most stereotypical military guy ever. Total jerk. When I actually mentioned that in some circles what the JASG was doing could be considered harassment, he decided to bust Scott down for some reason, and not me, saying that this was not harassment. Harassment would have been him dragging us out of our rooms and stripping us down and doing lots of other extremely uncharitable things. I was thinking, oh, so he's obviously harassed people before, then, since he seems to have such a fine sense of the degree of it. It's good we're in such professional hands. And he had another guy with him, who played good cop to his bad cop. It was hilarious! They made a few false accusations, I got irate, and they cuffed me. Took me to the clink. Then, because they had nothing, they let me go. But they took my DoD badge, because of course they can do whatever they want, really. And they made all of the Iraqis leave the camp, because without my badge, I'm not allowed to have Iraqis under my supervision. As a result there is no one left to do any work, and no chance of getting anybody in to do any without my badge, so GBG's whole asset removal plan is effectively neutered, and I bought my plane ticket! I'm out of here on tuesday the 24th. I'll tell you, I am ridiculously happy to have the matter settled! I'm finally leaving!
But these JASG military guys, man. They are a riot. Good Cop was asking us what our plans were when we left here, and I said I wanted to go to Thailand, and he asked if I was some sort of Hippie or something. I'm not kidding, I swear. When Jeff said that he had plans to hit Europe, Bad Cop went nuts and said "What! Why you wanna go there?! Buncha lefties! Just tell me this; you're not going to France, are you?" Jeff responded instantly with "I'm going to France first! I've just now decided, thanks to you." Bad Cop had a field day with that, let me tell you. He told Jeff that when he got to France, he should declare that he was there to take over the country, and watch how fast they all throw their guns down and surrender. You can't make this stuff up, folks, because it's so clichéd that it doesn't seem possible to actually exist out there in the real world without it being a movie about some hick or other. I wanted to ask him if he was going to torture us if I said that it's thanks to France that we had a successful American Revolution, but I was already in cuffs at that time, so I bit my tongue. Not that any of this has anything to do with anything. They weren't there to put the also-recently-neutered Habeas Corpus on a trial run; they just wanted to mess with GBG. Which is funny, you know, because if they'd just showed up and said, hey man, we're shutting you down because we hate GBG, I'd be ecstatic and say ok great! I'm outta here! Noooo problemo, hombre. Which is essentially exactly what happened, except that they got to play their favorite game of exercising military authority and getting their jollies from other people's powerlessness. It was really amazing to see all the sterotypes on display, in 3D. I shouldn't have lost my temper with Bad Cop, but even though I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me, I couldn't let it go, I couldn't let him say whatever ignorant thing rolled off of his tongue next and sit there and take it. I think I may, as it turns out, have a real problem with authority. Go figure. I was such a nice, quiet boy. But you know, Scott and I were talking about it afterwards, and he said it very well; people who actually want authority over other people are generally bad people. So sometimes, having a problem with authority is probably the right way to be.
Anyway, it was really sad to see the last few Iraqis go, but I'm not worried because I know that they will be ok. Saying goodbye to S was hard; I've been working with him for a long time. But he's got a good job waiting for him in Kurdistan, so it's all good. Generally speaking, I have to say I'm feeling pretty good and relieved that it's finally all over. What's totally awesome about the whole thing, is that while the JASG was hup hup hupping around the camp, looking for guns, or Iraqis, or key making machines, (They confiscated our bleeding key making machine! Said it was a security risk!) and I was sitting on the side of a curb, hands cuffed behind my back and trying to swat flys away from my face with my knee, I got a great Deja Vu: The last scene of 'Monty Python & The Holy Grail'! That's exactly what it felt like. Quest over, stop the camera!

Comments

[TF]

Sweet merciful crap!

I guess this is congrats?

[Dad]

Thailand... well at least I think I know where you're going next... uh, right?? So being cuffed is a hoot... Hmmmm... don't think I want to try that one.

[messiestobjects]

TF, well put! Sweet merciful crap indeed. Yes, it's definitely congrats. I really didn't want to be here anymore, but, as my Dad says, I sometimes have a misguided sense of loyalty and felt I couldn't leave until certain things were taken care of. Now the decision has been made regardless of my ability to do anything about it, and I can go guilt-free! Woo hoo!
The idea is Turkey, because there are commercial flights to Istanbul direct from Baghdad, and then Thailand... it's a loose plan. And being cuffed was a hoot, don't knock it. Watching these guys in action was so funny that it was totally worth it, especially since I knew that they really didn't have anything on me and after that, no one can say I didn't try to stand up for myself. He arrested me for raising my voice, for god's sake! I didn't swear, and I didn't verbally abuse anyone's character, I merely explained to him loudly that he was wrong. And when I told him that if they were going to continue this raid, I was going to go and call my lawyer. That's when he arrested me; he wouldn't let me make that call.

[Erin Williams]

I was reading your blog, Mike (which your dad has been touting for the past several months), and was a little nervous about the line which read, "such a nice, quiet boy." You realize, of course, that that's what the neighbors of serial killers are always quoted as saying.
Very interesting blog...it's nice that you allow your dad to live vicariously through your exploits.
Take care. Be safe.

[messiestobjects]

Well okay, but how often do you hear serial killers say that about themselves? See, that's how we getchya.

[Dad]

So... now I'm living vicariously as a serial killer? Or I'm exploiting my son by letting him think he was a "nice, quiet boy"? I guess that lieutenant was a bit luckier than he knew ...or is he???

Serious ? - does the DoD badge have any affect on your being able to move about? AND are you still working for GBG once you leave the Emerald City?

[messiestobjects]

Yes I am stuck in the camp, can't go anywhere unless I myself am escorted! 'Sokay, I don't need to go anywhere until I fly on tuesday. And HELL NO I'm not working for GBG anymore after this.

[thebigsmokey]

Through all your pissing and moaning, I noticed that you failed to mention that you were NOT working for anyone and that was why I took you ID card. Your lucky I didnt throw you into the red zone

[messiestobjects]

"Pissing and moaning"; another fine mental distinction from our military's finest, folks! Take that, thebigmonkey, if that is your real name.

But seriously, Lieutenant Colonel Davis, is that you? I've missed you. Seriously. Thanks to you I had the coolest day of my life. I was arrested for being sarcastic and telling off a military officer! It doesn't get better than that.

But to answer you in a more direct fashion, rather than in this preening idiom which it has been my great joy to parade out for you today, I was, in point of fact, working for someone. GBG. Now, I'm not arguing that GBG was not a fucked up company whose boss apparently defrauded the US Government, (I have no direct knowledge of these allegations, however, only what the newspaper told me) I'm just saying that I was in fact employed at the time.

I also realize that you guys didn't want us there. You made that abundantly clear. However, had you actually had any legal recourse against me at all, I'm perfectly sure that you would have personally escorted me to the BIAP (Baghdad International AirPort) with all due sadistic glee, and NOT into the Red Zone, which I'm sure would probably have been very illegal, even for you. I know this because I know of many instances in which this happened to people who were guilty of much more severe crimes than "NOT working for anyone". If they qualify for an escorted ride to the airport and not deportation to the Red Zone, I'm sure you'd have extended me the same courtesy.

Anyway, unlike you or your kind, I made friends with the Iraqis that I came into contact with, and had you actually put me into the Red Zone, I'd have stayed at my friend Nabil's place, (where I'd enjoyed many a fine evening before) or my close friend Steven's, or Nameer's, or Amar's, until I could've gotten a lift out, because also unlike you, I was never afraid to be in the Red Zone without "manly" body armor, weaponry, or a dipshit superior attitude.

Again, really nice to hear from you! Always good to know that old friends are still out there kickin' it. Keep in touch. XOXOX