Holy Fait Accompli, Little Grasshopper!

Mmmm, Thai street food. Looks good, doesn't it?

You know that old adage, "You learn something new every day?" Well, today I learned that Thais like bugs. And I don't mean that they just like bugs, as in having warm friendly feelings towards them, but that they like to eat them. That's right, look closer, those are fried insects of various variety. Actually, it's not true that I just learned that today; Scott told me about it when he was here a month or so ago, and he even tried one. I forget what kind he ate though, because when he told me, all I heard was "I ate bugs today". Isn't that enough? Maybe it was grasshopper. They have street carts full of the little buggers. (Buggers! Ha!) I bribed a street vendor into letting me take that close-up shot by buying a sample bag. I was thinking about getting really really drunk and then trying to eat one or two, but after I stopped and had one Guinness, I realized that there really isn't enough beer in the world. I threw my sample bag away. It didn't help that after showing it to the bartender, who was a local Thai, even he was totally grossed out by them. Scott's a better man than I when it comes to eating bugs, and I'm happy to leave it that way.
Anyway, that was my evening. I just walked around for an hour or two because I didn't get out of the hospital until 6 or 7 pm... it was a very long day of getting poked and prodded, and I can't even decide which was my most uncomfortable moment. See, I had a comprehensive medical check-up which lasted about 5 hours, where at one point I was asked by my Thai physician if I wanted him to check my penis and my anus, while a cute little Thai nurse was standing there watching! (I swear to God that she smirked.) What am I supposed to say to that? Do I want him to? Of course not! But you know, isn't that part of the comprehensive? What if I have a hemorrhoid or testicle cancer or something? It would be foolish to say no, but on the other hand I've never had anyone's finger in my butt and I'd like to keep it that way. I also had an abdominal ultrasound. I got a tube of jelly squeezed on me and everything. The funny Thai doctor lady told me I wasn't pregnant. I told her that's a bummer, I'll just have to keep trying. Then a visit to the orthopedist, because I wanted to find out if there was anything to the lower back pains I've been getting, and I discovered that I have an extra joint-thingy on my spinal column that most people don't have, and one of them is slipped. He recommended excercise. Great. I hate excercise. And then finally my Lasik consultation, where I spent another 3 hours. They gave me a bunch of tests, then eyedrops, and then anesthesia drops to numb my eyeballs so that he could shove some glass lenses directly onto them to have a closer look at them. After all that, the doctor said I was clear for the surgery, and we were discussing the procedure when he glanced at my paperwork and saw that I'm allergic to lidocaine. There was a very bad moment because he then says "But then how will we do the surgery? We must put lidocaine in your eyes! (Lidocaine is a general anesthesia used in lots of operations; dentists use it all the time. I found out that I was allergic to it when I was like 6 or 7 or something when I was given it for some reason or other, and went into a convulsive fit.) So there was a second where I was feeling really disappointed and then it got worse. The cute little Thai nurse (not the same one; the hospital has about 800 of the cutest, nicest little Thai girls running around in very light green hospital digs keeping the assembly-line operation that it is running smoothly) about lost her mind at that moment, actually dropping to a knee and trying to steady herself with a little hand on the desk and her other little hand covering her shocked little "o" mouth; Then she says in a little voice, "You allergic to lidocaine?! Anasthetic drops I put in your eyes before are lidocaine!" At which point all three of us got really quiet, while the doctor kind of held his breath and stared at my eyes for a minute. When my eyeballs failed to melt, explode, or convulse in my sockets, I said, "Well, I guess I'm not allergic to lidocaine anymore, then." So all's well that ends well. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and not only will I not be allowed to wash my hair for 2 weeks (snork! I'm bald!) because I can't get water in my eyes, but I'm not supposed to look at a computer screen for more than two hours a day during that time either. So, maybe you guys will be spared from too much inane bullcock from me for a while.

Comments

[Miss Luongo]

I recommend audio books. Good luck.

[Heather]

The good news is you won't need to go looking for a restroom.

[messiestobjects]

Audio books! D'oh! I wish I'd thought of that before... I might have one on my mp3 player, though, so allright then.
And I'm not peeing in my pants anymore. I've had to re-instate that particular program into my hard wiring for now.

[Heather]

Yeah. You'll want to remember the technique, though, for when you're 90. Or for the next time you need to drive non-stop across the country. And if you're going to let a little thing like blindness keep you from blogging, then good day to you, sir. I said, Good day!

[Gary]

Man you should have tried the bugs. I hear the inane bullcock is really good too.

[Heather]

Hee. What's that movie where Chevy Chase is eating moose testicles or something? But they're called something-or-other-fries? Come on! Anway, "fried bullcock" just reminded me of that.

[Cristy]

Well, seeing as you've exposed yourself to the lidocaine... perhaps you'll reconsider being receptive to the other end of things. I recommend the prostate massage. It'll really help loosen you up. Afterall, are you suuure that all 800 of those cuties were girls? Well, if you're not gonna try that, suck up a little bit of courage and sample a beetle. You only live once and who knows.. you might even like it. LMFAO Hope your procedure goes well.

[scott]

is it bragging to say that i think i sampled all the bugs pictured with the exception of the large madagascar hissing cockroaches in the foreground? maybe it's just gross.

Either way, I dont feel bad pushing the medflies. Some russians and i washed them down with verynasty thai whiskey for our christmas dinner. Moist and delicious, especially with the sauce. I didnt ask what the sauce was.

Make sure you find the cart with the man making egg and banana pancakes. All bugs aside, you can trust me on the egg and banana pancake.

[Heather]

Whoa - that's so weird! MY mom also served medflies with Thai whiskey at Christmas. Ah, memories!

[Christy]

Scott: I can't believe my tongue was ever in your mouth. Bugs. Eck.

Michael: I stand by your choice of not putting insects in your mouth. I know the lidocaine thing isn't funny - but it is. I got a great mental image of 30 seconds or so of mutual shared horror.

[Christy]

Hmm. I could have left out the mutual or the shared. Why did I do that?

[Gary]

Some friends of mine ate bull balls at the Big Texan restaurant in Amarillo.

http://www.bigtexan.com/

I declined to try it on principle. I doubt they would have eaten cow-vag - so I didn't see anything wrong with not sampling the bull nuts. But fried crickets actually seems like it would be good with some salt and spices on it. Live bugs are much grosser than cooked, in my opinion.

[Gary]

btw - they're called Mountain Oysters.

[messiestobjects]

And the movie where Chevy was downing 'em was 'Funny Farm'. I hate that I know that.
Scott, it's not bragging. It's called being proud of your accomplishments. Trust me, you'll feel much better thinking of it that way. And, screw courage, and screw bugs. I ain't eatin' 'em, nuh uh. Christy I thank you for your support, although since I don't have the hiccups, I won't be getting that digital rectal massage neither, no suh.

[Heather]

"Lamb Fries!" Yesssssssss. Score one for Chevy Chase vehicles. I knew there was at least one other human being in the world burdened with this knowledge.