I Say Things Three Times Alot, Because That's Blind Panic For You

I can see I can see I can see! But, whatever anyone tells you, getting your eggwhites sliced open, and then being forced to stare at a tiny red dot which keeps slipping out of focus while your heart is palpitating, quite naturally given the situation, and a mad mad Thai opthamologist is yelling at you the entire time to "look at the dot look at the dot LOOK AT THE DOT DON'T LOOK AWAY DON'T LOOK AWAY DON'T LOOK AWAY! Just relax don't try to help I don't need your help I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!!!! is not, in fact, painless and over before you know it. In retrospect, of course, it didn't actually take all that long, but the waiting and surgery prep that goes on beforehand takes forever, and the quick 30 minute procedure itself is a hundred years. It didn't help that one of my first thoughts, right before he cut my first eye open while he was prepping it with eyedrops and plastic covering, was of that 'Friends' episode where Rachel has to get eye drops, but she has this freakishly weird thing about things getting anywhere near her eyes, and after many amusing hijinks all 5 of her friends finally have to tackle her in order to squirt the drops in her eyes. So at first I was chuckling to myself because I was handling the whole situation so much better than Rachel would have, but then of course once he started cutting, and then during the actual laser reshaping part, (which smells like burning hair, by the way) all I could think about was "Don't freak out and turn your head like Rachel did, Don't freak out and turn your head like Rachel did, DON'T FREAK OUT AND TURN YOUR HEAD LIKE RACHEL DID!!!" And then of course, once it's all finished the hippity hoppity mad Thai eye guy tells you, after putting shields over your eyes and you can't see anything and everything is very disorientating, "Whatever you do, don't squint. That's the worst thing you could possibly do, ESPECIALLY tonight, so don't squint. DON'T SQUINT!" Okay, my eyes are feeling really strained, because they've just been traumatized, I can barely see, and what I can see is blurry, and I've just been told that squinting could ruin the whole procedure. Okay, you try it, with the good eyes you're reading this with right now. Don't squint. I mean it, don't squint. Okay maybe it's easy for some, but all I could think about was don't squint don't squint don't squint oh crap did I just squint? No, that wasn't a squint, I don't think, so okay don't squint don't squint don't squint. Crap, what if I squint in my sleep? Oh god oh god oh god.
Once I finally made it back to my room, I ordered a victory calzone from room service (they have an italian restaraunt downstairs, and a McDonalds. How messed up is it that a world famous hospital and health care outpatient clinic has an on-premises McDonalds? What were they thinking? It's a good thing I gave up fast food for New Years), and then spent the rest of the night trying not to squint. Incidentally, for anyone who gets Lasik in the future, I highly recommend the following "Long Dark Night of the Non-Squinting Soul" music: Lush - Spooky, Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat (super fantastic album, by the way), Jolie Holland - Escondida (also super fantastic), The Cure - Disintegration, and I was getting ready to hit The Gun Club - Fire of Love (for the twentieth time in two weeks; I frikken love that album) but I figured it might ruin the estrogen high I'd gotten off the previous stuff I'd been listening to, and anyway I wanted to sleep.
Another thought I had, while trying to sleep with bug-eye shields on my face, not to mention burning, itching, the deathly fear of squinting, and wondering whether I was going to be able to see in the morning, and of course also the excitement that I would be able to see in the morning, if I didn't squint, was who in the hell was the first guy that ever underwent this procedure, and what kind of insane thrill-seeker was he? I mean come on, of all the risks you run from Lasik, even as small a chance as you have now of going blind or whatever, that first guy, man, he had no statistics to go by! He (or she, sorry) knew nothing about possible side effects! I don't know man, I don't think I could've gone into it blind like that. Oh wait...
Anyway, my two hours are just about up, so later.
I can see!

Comments

[Miss Luongo]

That bed looks uncomfortable.

[messiestobjects]

Wow, good call! It's pretty hard, almost as a board, but you know what? I actually kind of like it that way. They say sleeping on a hard surface is better for your back anyway, so.

[Miss Luongo]

Exercise is good for your back too.

[Heather]

You can fly, you can fly, you can fly! Jenny's Other Gig.

[messiestobjects]

Julie, what's yer point? Are you saying I should actually listen to that quack about exercising? Buncha crap. Know what else is good for your back? Thai massage is what.

[scott]

yeah, i didnt tell you about the burning smell on purpose.

my guy yelled at me a lot about looking at the dot, too- and i was looking the whole time, except when i was completely blind from my eyes being all sortsof dismantled- and the panic.

did you have the starburst filter installed in your cornea so that headlights are really pretty? because it turns out headlights can be really pretty. i guess i never knew.

[messiestobjects]

Well, not a starburst per se, at least I didn't notice too many light lines, but I did get a hella halo filter. Unless that's the same thing... I knew about the burning hair smell ahead of time, though. They tell you about it on that paper they give you which details the procedure. It's a good idea to be forewarned I think because otherwise most people might think that the laser had veered waaay off course, and you don't need more panic. I wonder what my initial reaction would've been if I didn't know about it since I'm bald...

[Gary]

how bad was your eyesight before? Could you read the big E or were you like legally blind like I am? I wonder if you can have this done if you're eyes are really bad like mine.

[Heather]

I used to have glasses. I quit wearing them because I could see too much stuff.

[messiestobjects]

I have... wait! HAD! an astigmatism... that's the opposite of having Jesus' wounds mystically appear... right. Couldn't think of a better way to squeeze that in, sorry. Carrying on then, it's not quite like being blind, but everything is a big curtain of blur. Most likely you can have it done, there are only a few factors that might prevent it, such as previous damage (cut your cornea with a contact lens or something) or glaucoma or like that. If you're interested, you should find a Lasik guy nearby (I think there's one on 447 just up past the Shannon Inn) and get a free consultation.
Heather, you don't qualify for Lasik in that case then due to persistent willfull blindness.

[Heather]

But if Jesus' wounds appear in your EYES, what is it called?

[messiestobjects]

Freakin' scary.

[cristy]

I heard that this kind of surgery came about after a little boy who'd been blind was in a horrific car accident. Enough glass fell into his eyes making the appropriate cuts and he was able to see after the wreck. Freakish, but plausible.
BTW, that pic with the fried goose eggs on your eyes really looks like something out of a bad 80's sci-fi flick. Can that be called art?

[messiestobjects]

God I hope not. I have enough problems.

[Christy]

It's called eyemata of course...

[Miss Luongo]

Are you talking about the same quack you let slice into your eyeball? That's eyeballsy. Ok, I'm way late with this comment. So late that you'll have to go all the way to the top of your responses to remember what I'm referencing. And I made your eyeballsy joke back at you. I'm that clever.

[messiestobjects]

Stick-in-yer-eyemata?