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« Steve Taylor Rides Again | Main | Blacksmithing And Apartment Decorating Are Very Similar Examples Of Beating Something Flat »

Friday, April 13, 2007

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Christy

Your prospective landlord called me for a reference yesterday. I told him about your Rwandan child bondage ring and your love of black wall paint. I also - for no extra charge - threw in the story about the flies on the window that you killed using spray adhesive.

Gary

I have a friend who was a flight attendant. She could probably give you the lowdown on that if you wanted, unless that was a joke.

Tim

Blacksmithing, eh? Cool. Now whenever someone asks "Any of you boys happen to be a smithy or otherwise versed in the metallurgical arts?" you can proudly say "Me!".

messiestobjects

Christy thank you so much; I knew I could count on you.

I was only half kidding about the flight attendant thing... it's a back-up plan

messiestobjects

Tim! Long time no see! How's the oil drilling going?

Tim

It sucks, so I quit. It pays amazingly well but it's also incredibly hard.

Um, I'm a suck...

I'm doing some consulting right now and doing alright.

messiestobjects

Sweet..."consulting", heh. That's a good gig. I need me some of that mojo.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

I can't stand to fly. Just reading the flight attendent reference induced a dizzy spell. My husband's company sends him on pleasure trips. Ones that I am supposed to attend. But they involve planes and hot, tropical regions, both of which I avoid like the plague. I've been south - Jamaica, Bahamas, Mexico - and no thank you. Europe is just about the only place I will fly only because it's worth the anxiety. I must end this topic now...the room is spinning.

I can understand the Rowandan child bondage ring, but, Michael, black walls? Really? That's just uncalled for. You should be ashamed of yourself.

messiestobjects

What can I say? Christy knows all my darkest secrets.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Well, for the sake of your public image, I'd ask her to keep them behind closed doors. I mean, to think you had flies on a window makes me shudder. Flies, Michael? On a window, at that? Jeeeesh.

messiestobjects

I've tried to silence her in the past, I really have, but that just makes things worse... so I shrug my shoulders and hope that people think she's only joking. Especially about the Rwandan child bondage ring. That is totally a joke, heh heh. Seriously, I never.

But the flies on the window thing... well, there were a lot of them, what can I say? They were driving us nuts, and we had no Raid, but I did happen to have a can of 3M spray adhesive handy, and it DID kill them... it's just that nobody wanted to clean them up, so they stuck to our window like Country Window Ornaments for about a month. We managed to not think about it too much by pulling down the window shade and covering them up, but Christy finally went mad and scraped them off... I knew I could outlast her in the dead fly scraping department, you see.

Christy

I keep telling you Mike - they were never scraped off. Those flies stuck to the window until we moved out. The window shade in the hall at the base of the stairs was permanently drawn after that. As luck would have it I am sure the landlord didn't notice the flies since the rest of the apartment was trashed. Especially my room courtesy of bunny. Bunny never understood certain things - like not to eat all the wood molding.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Poor, misunderstood bunny.

messiestobjects

I'm sure we must have cleaned them off at some point. I could swear we did. I wasn't around for the bunny, but as I understood from Scott, it pretty much ate the whole house after you left...

Kris

next time try hair spray. it's not as sticky as spray adhesive. flies come right up.

Gary

at least he wasn't smearing his boogers on the window... "a marvel to be seen... dysentery green..." as the song goes...

Christy

You're all mixed up. Bunny never made it to Saylorsburg - that's where we lived when Scott and I broke up. Bunny lived with us on Second Street. I can assure you - the flies were on the window until the day we moved out of that apartment. Who the fuck is going to clean frozen in time flies?

messiestobjects

I didn't mean that the bunny went to Saylorsburg... I think that what Scott told me was that the bunny continued to live alone on 2nd street for a few days or a week after you guys had moved out, devouring Carl's old room and moving on from there. The bunny that ate the Stroudsburg ghetto.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Hairspray, eh? I once tried to take down a nest of hornets with a spray bottle of windex. When I read about the spray adhesive, my ears pricked and I scratched a mental note for future encounters because I never, ever, ever have anything in this house that I might need for every day use. My neglect to remember such items at the store forces me into comprimising states of improvisation.

Miss Luongo

"...it's just that nobody wanted to clean them up..."

Michael, when you spray adhesive on flies the burden of cleaning them off the window is on you. You clog the toilet, you plunge it, brother.

messiestobjects

Yeah but, if I do all the hard work of killing all the flies, I shouldn't have to be the one to clean them up, right? Anyway, the real problem was that it was really stong industrial strength adhesive... I'd gotten it from my work at the prosthetics office. Cleaning it up would have required industrial grade solvent and a tolerance for icky spread-about fly guts that no one was equipped with at the time.

Saranne: After extensive personal experience, I can't condone the use of spray adhesive for killing insects. Make another mental note to just pick up Raid the next time you're out. Trust me.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Hmmmm. Raid. Now there's a concept. It almost makes sense. It just might work. Once again, McSmartypants to the rescue.

Miss Luongo

If there's one thing you learn growing up Luongo, it's to dispose of the bodies or the job's not done.

messiestobjects

That's good advice. Next time, I'll call you to help do the corpse scraping. Because you're so experienced.

Miss Luongo

If you need help after the fact, call The Wolf.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Do you do rodent carcass removal, Julie? I have on in my kitchen wall.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

No, no. It's not on my wall. It's in my wall. I meant, I have one in my kitchen wall.

Miss Luongo

When a Luongo does a job, it gets done right. We don't come cheap, but when it's over, that carcass isn't just gone, it never was. Capisce?

SaranneFosselmanMiller

I'm clear. And a little uncomfortable.

jessica

I too want to be a flight attendant. but i dont wanna work, i just wanna hang out and smoke. working is over rated as is property ownership.

Volguus

LOL, I was going to mention as well about disposing of the bodies. Oh, and for the record, I may be a batch poster but don't blame me, blame my phone. I read this blog on my cellphone very regular-like, but I can't comment because of some scripting error (only AFTER I hit "Post," of course, scuttling 3 paragraphs typed on a phone keypad). Then when I finally get back to the laptop I'm distracted by cyberporn and forget about the blogs.

+1, as the kids say, on the flight attendant thing. Your uncoiffed pate should guarantee an extra-smooth path for the cosmic rays. I will keep my fingers crossed that you become elastic and/or invisible, which could be handy, rather than orange and rocky, which would be less so. Don't even get me started on the inappropriateness potential of spontaneous combustibility... although I suppose it's still better than somehow mutating into a little robot named Herbie.

messiestobjects

That Herbie was an abomination, and only existed in early 1970's kid cartoonage! Don't you guys have a job in Romania for me yet?

Spank, flight attendants don't work hard, at least... unless there's like a terrorist or a sick baby or something.

Christy

Sick babies are terrorists.

Volguus

Yeah, and the fully healthy ones with all their energy and curiosity intact are no picnic either!

A job in Romania? Oh crap, I'm probably supposed to have one of those too, aren't I?

messiestobjects

Babies must be stopped... no more messing around, it's time to go Children of Men on their asses.

Miss Luongo

Once I watched a very old man have a panic attack on a plane. The flight attendants were trying to be gentle b/c he was so brittle looking. But he was bellowing and flailing.

There are so many horrors on the sky. The drunk guy who keeps making the same loud jokes. The bossy boots who needs more blankets. Vomiting, wailing, complaining, demanding, yelling, sneezing, coughing, angry, obnoxious, annoying tourists, business people, children. Sick people and mile-high clubbers creating long bathroom lines. Luggage falling on people's heads. Spills. Excrement. Garbage. Call buttons.

But, for real, that would be a fun job, right? The travel opportunities would be great!

SaranneFosselmanMiller

No. Again, I am that old man having the panic attack on the plane. For real, enough with the plane talk. I feel an attack coming on as I type.

You baby-less creatures are jealous of all the screaming, puking, pooping and needless bouncing around the house with which we baby owners are blessed. And your sick with jealousy over the smell of our hair, the film across our teeth and the looks of our three-day-old clothing that doubles as pajamas.

jessica

where are you mike?? sara needs you at julies

jessica

when i had kids i didnt brush my teeth for a year...im guessing that is why i am missing a few

SaranneFosselmanMiller

MO, hurry. I got myself into a little pinch over at Jules'. Tell Gary you called me Yoda. Tell him. Do it! NOW. I'm in a panic.

jessica

she is lying she totally picked a fight she knew she would win and he is all chapped...she is trying to throw you under the bus...also she is trying to involve you in an internet nascar schemem

messiestobjects

Gary, I totally called Saranne Yoda. You can even go to her page to see where I did.

Not that that has anything to do with anything. Those girls have allowed Heather to get to them, and it's a madhouse over there... I highly suggest staying away until they run out of estrogen.

Gary

Yeah I read it. I read the comments on this 5 pronged chat room they've got going.

There's some kind of post about me on all of their blogs (and spank is on the phone talking about me). They're all so in lust with me it's incredible. I'm all they could think about for half the day today. If only I were single and found any of them attractive! HA! ;)

SaranneFosselmanMiller

OMG! Gary you just made me laugh out loud for the first time ever. 5 pronged.... LOL.

Jim

Does that qualify as a gaggle?
...I hear cackling

jessica

i actually have a website dedicated to my lust for gary.

www.mesohorneyforgary.com

i am glad i came clean with that

Gary

hehehe she came clean with that.

spank

yer hilarious

SaranneFosselmanMiller

Came clean! Oh, Gair, you are too much.

SaranneFosselmanMiller

This blog feels like when Julie goes out of town......feels...like...when....And to think I sat down to work on a manuscript.

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