Orlando... I Got Nothin'.

Being in Orlando is like going through chemotherapy. It's stressful and I'm bald. Seriously, I do NOT understand how it can possibly be that people actually pay large amounts of money to voluntarily come here for vacation. The girl that is training me in the fine art of exam proctoring and I finally were able to escape the hotel and go to Universal Studios yesterday... ugh. That place is horrendous. We didn't do the ride thing, ($80 for a day pass! That's insane!) but they had a sort of a small Universal City walk with all kinds of completely plastic and phony experiences and a multitude of cheap crap for souvenirs. And thousands of people. Fat, crying, stupid masses of walking human cash cows who were suckered into this obscenity of a "holiday", and are somehow convinced that going to see The Blue Man Group Show is the hight of all culture. Regina and I had loads of subject material to be bitingly sarcastic about, so it was a really good time.

We ate at the Bob Marley themed restaurant, "Tribute To Freedom" where I had the 'No Woman, No Cry' salad and the 'Satisfy Your Soul' chicken wings. Like I said, loads of subject material to be bitingly sarcastic about. Which is good, because I don't know what I would have done with myself if for some odd reason I could not have found something to complain about in this most commercially mercenary of all cities.

Regina is my new lesbian friend by the way. When she hasn't been busy showing me the ins and outs of proctorship, we've been at either TGI Friday's or the Tiki Lounge drinking too much. Because that's Orlando; Hotels, crap chain restaurants, and manufactured adventure parks. (And I don't mean for the adjective manufactured to refer to the park itself, but to describe the so-called adventure. It's a manufactured adventure. Which is an oxymoron, stupid, misleading, and insulting.) And freeways. There are no actual roads in Orlando. The only way to get around is by very confusing pretzel shaped freeways, and half of them, naturally, are toll roads.

So other than our jaunt to Universal yesterday, I haven't been able to get out. You're kind of expected to be around for the most part while students are taking their classes, just in case someone needs something. It's an easy job; I've probably done more drinking and had more lesbian relationship conversations than actual work, but I'm on call 24/7. Sigh. In the future I will have to book more time after the ends of classes in order to do any real touring. But, I did get to see Orlando's very own Devils Tower:

I call it Dreyfuss, the Tuna Chronicles of his Madness. Or maybe, Orlando in a Nutshell.

And last but not not least, because of all the nagging, KC tagged me and I promised I would respond. I put it off as long as possible, but I had to pay the piper sooner or later. 15 arcane items about me, whose format I stole directly from KC so I wouldn't have to think too hard about it:

1- Orlando triggers my gag reflex. (Another chemotherapy comparison. Also, it makes my body really sore from all the drinking.)

2- By the time I graduated high school I had attended 10 schools.

3- I met Pete Seeger backstage when I was 5, and I asked him to play Abi Yo-Yo on his next set, and he did.

4- My parents used to put covers over their coffee cups when I was 1 because of the time I peed from a prone position in my bassinet right into Dad's coffee.

5- I followed my friend Joshua and his girlfriend Lauren as they intensely followed J.G. Thirlwell around a bar in Salzburg after a Foetus show, scaring him a little bit with the intensity of their star-struck questioning.

6- I absolutely do not like musicals. Except for the South Park movie. And the Once More With Feeling episode of Buffy.

7- I once walked from Main St. Stroudsburg over Fox Hill to the Delaware Water Gap during the worst Blizzard we'd had in years back in '93 to go to the Birthday Party of a hot girl I liked. She wasn't impressed, really.

8- I was in a fashion show my senior year of high school and was forced to wear a wedding dress.  (double-ugh)

9- I taught myself how to snowboard.

10- I have a newly 21 year old sister whom I try not to think about what the hell she's getting up to in that damn liberal arts school of hers.

11- I have an affinity for plain black T-shirts. And plain black socks. And plain black pants. And different brightly colored polka-dot boxer shorts.

12- I have a very healthy relationship with myself. Details are personal.

13- As a child, I used to tell people that I was a boy.

14- I think about Buffy. Constantly.

15- I have probably been to the country of your birth.

The only people I would in turn tag with this are people who read my blog. And there are most likely less than 15 people who read this. So, consider yourself tagged. Unless you don't want to be. It's cool, I totally understand.

Comments

[Gary]

You should be allowed to smoke pot in a Bob Marley restaruant. Tribute to freedom my ass.

[messiestobjects]

Well, you're free to drink Red Stripe beer there...

[Gary]

“The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.” - Bob Marley

[Miss Luongo]

I'm thinking about Angel. But it'll eventually lead to thoughts of Firefly. If someone doesn't bring that show back, I'm, I'm, I'm going to hold my breath until...I have to breathe again.

I'm also thinking about why jokes about 8 year old boys only surface on my blog. (Thanks.)

[messiestobjects]

My pleasure. Although, not literally.

[wolfboy]

"Regina is my new lesbian friend by the way. When she hasn't been busy showing me the ins and outs of proctorship..."

It's cool that your new lesbian friend is into pegging.

And it's "Dreyfuss". Though I would have called it, "Neary My God To Thee", myself...

Or maybe, "To The Tuna 5 Celestial Notes".

[messiestobjects]

I wondered if anybody would snicker at the proctorship comment. Of course it was you who did.

And whaddya mean, And it's "Dreyfuss"? Isn't that how I said it?

[Miss Luongo]

Tuna 5 Celestial Note! Nice.

[Heather]

I can't believe you spent money to go to Universal. It's like setting out to have a bad time on purpose.

[messiestobjects]

The City Walk was free. No way I paid $80 to go into the island manufactured adventure.

NO.

WAY.

We only spent money at Tribute To Freedom, which, Gary, actually means paying tribute to the liege lords of Freedom here in Orlando.

[wolfboy]

Methinks there was a single 's' previously...

Keep in mind, tuna without mayo is just Dreyfuss...

[messiestobjects]

Well yeah but Dreyfuss without mayo is not necessarily Tuna. It could be potatoes, too. Mashed ones. The ones that make children cry.

Ooh! The Tuna of Our Children's Agony! Or, Tuna Garr!

[wolfboy]

Mashed potatoes don't make kids cry, Dads make kids cry.

However.

Don't worry, he's still Dad.

[wolfboy]

Even if he does look like a Half 'n Half bar.

[Christy]

"11- I have an affinity for plain black T-shirts. And plain black socks. And plain black pants. And different brightly colored polka-dot boxer shorts."

You forgot to mention your plain black dildo - the one that you use for ass play when you force yourself on Floridian and Rwandan children.

[Christy]

Jeff - I just wanted to let you know.. No one says methinks anymore.

[kc]

first of all, where THE FUCK is the comment I left yesterday;

the link you left on my blog brought me here, signed as messiestobjects;

Michael is the one that said "methinks";

Christy - black dildo - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[messiestobjects]

Well, generally the black dildo would fall under the 12- I have a very healthy relationship with myself. Details are personal. category, but thanks for outing me there, sweetheart. Anyway, I haven't been able to use it for a while... are you ever going to return it or did you want to bring it on your trip to China with your brother?

KC... I saw no comment that you left yesterday, I swear. Sometimes if Typepad thinks a commenter might be fishy, it'll ask you to type in some letters and numbers written down previously by Dr. Timothy Leary into a box to confirm that you're not a spambot, but it won't usually delete a comment as spam out of hand...

And I never said 'methinks'. The name of the commenter comes below the comment; check again. Grr.

[Miss Luongo]

Sometimes I write methinks, and then I change it before anyone sees so I don't get ridiculed.

[messiestobjects]

A half-n-half bar that makes out with other Mommies. Naughty Spielberg!

[messiestobjects]

Ahh... people making fun of people for the benefit of other people.

[wolfboy]

Christie: By your grace, Madam. By your grace...

[messiestobjects]

Ho ho! Touché good sir!

[Gary]

I heart methinks, natch. You douches LOLERZ!!!1

[messiestobjects]

lol

[The Master]

I say methinks.

All the time, really.

Be seeing you.

[Dayv]

6- I absolutely do not like musicals. Except for the South Park movie. And the Once More With Feeling episode of Buffy.

They're actually touring with that episode of Buffy... sort of an audience-participation-sing-along dealy with the episode playing on the big screen.

Check it out if you haven't already heard about it:
http://uncoolkids.com/buffy/

[messiestobjects]

I am SO going to that.